Saturday, December 8, 2007

An Open Letter to the Gentleman Sitting Next to Me at Friday's 1 PM Showing of The Golden Compass

Dear Sir:

Cell Phones are something else, aren't they?

The things they can do. The information they can store. It's the world at your fingertips. Sometimes, even for people of our advanced years, it's hard to remember ever getting along without them.

I understand the attraction of these modern wonders, yet, there is a time and a place for everything, and the movie theater is not the place, nor is the middle of a movie the time for extensive telecommunications.

Now, I know that any appeal I make to your better, more polite nature is bound to fail. The empty threats run on screen before the previews -- we both know they're not really gonna throw you out -- obviously had no effect. Even the adorable wise-ass animated panda was unable to convince you not to receive calls or text all through the movie.

I considered reasoning. After all, you did plunk down $6.50 ostensibly to watch a movie. One would think that having invested a healthy sum like that, you would logically pay attention to the screen. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

I also considered threats of bodily harm to your person. Never underestimate the convincing power of blows rained down about the head and shoulders. But honestly, I'm not much of a blow rainer, and again, I'm not sure that the logic of the situation would have sunk into your blow-riddled skull.

So I'm going to try something different. I'm going to try to appeal to your vanity.

Clearly you are a very important man. You're the kind of man who cannot afford to be out of contact with your business associates, with the news of the day, with your equally important friends and family for even a single second. Your high-powered wheeling and dealing decides the fate of millions, probably. Your social calendar is the envy of all, apparently. Your ability to react to the slightest, quickest fluctuation in world events is absolutely critical, it seems.

You sir, haven't a second to waste, let alone one hour and fifty-four minutes.

A high-powered player on the global stage like yourself simply hasn't the luxury of ignoring his vital responsibilities for the duration of a movie. I know the temptation is great. But eyes on the prize, sir.

Eyes on that prize.

So fly! Fly far from those of us indulging our folly, frittering away our far less valuable time on a frivolous film.

Dash! Dash to the desk to do the deal that defines your duty.

Go! Go and go with the great and glorious goodness of God.

The rest of the theater patrons will then return to what they were doing before you graced us with your presence: kicking my seat and blathering on about nothing two seats away from me.

No comments:

John and Dave talks Oscar nomination predictions