Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Bachelor #12

When it comes to guilty pleasures, I try to avoid them. Who needs more guilt? I have plenty enough as it is.

And yet, over and over again, I find myself tuning in to ABC's "The Bachelor" and hating myself in the morning for it. You can keep your "Dancing with the Has-Beens." I see all I want to of that show on "The Soup." But a dreamy, hunky suit-swingin' dreamboat choosing between 25 semi-attractive, desperate reality showgirls? Bring that on!

"The Bachelor: London Calling" (12th season premier of "The Bachelor")

Gawd. They've done this 12 times already? How bone chilling!

So the premise here -- in case you live in Uzbekistan -- goes like this: There's this bachelor and there are these 25 women and he gets to jump them through hoops until he's eliminated all but one and then the two of them live happily ever after.

Well, maybe not. Last season's bachelor, Brad Womack, refused to pick any of the contestants at the end and as of this blogging, exactly none of the previous bachelors and their chosen mates are married. Season 6 Bachelor Byron Velvick is reportedly engaged to Mary Delgado and Season 10's Andy Baldwin and Tessa Horst are said to be an "item," though they have called off their engagement. None of the other nine couples are with each other currently. Make of that what you will.

This time the hook is that the Bachelor in question is a filthy European. Matt Grant is a London-based "global financier," which, if I'm correct, means he once bought a globe. He has an adorable accent, but it can't help but pale when compared to Dick Van Dyke's in Mary Poppins.

As for the ladies vying for Matt's attentions and roses, they're the usual batch of delusional strangeoids and overly made-up mannequins. My favorite from the premier was Stacey, the Chicago grad student who slipped Matt her panties, fondled his knee, then staggered into a back room to pass out drunk. You can't meet girls like that in London! When Stacey did not receive a rose at show's close, she informed the camera that Matt "couldn't handle her." She's probably right; after all, he doesn't own a distillery.

Other silly little flibbertigibbets include: Amada R. (it's like they're in grade school), an account executive (aka secretary) from not too far from me in Orlando, FL; Michele, a red-headed administrative assistant (aka secretary) who plays the clarinet ("It vibrates when it's wet"); Carri, a church marketing representative (aka secretary) who can bite a can in half; and Erin S., a -- I swear I'm not making this up -- hot dog vendor (aka a really good secretary).

25 started out on Monday. 14 were left at show's end. I don't really remember or care which was which, though I do remember Stacey storming out. That girl has her own reality show in development, probably.

After awhile, it's hard to tell one cookie-cutter, vacant, desperate, sad woman from another.

No wonder I can't look away!

Star rating inapplicable. It's an unfortunate show, but I will keep tuning in.

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