Perhaps you watched Tiger Woods and his press conference this afternoon.
Yeah. Me neither. I was too busy watching the Cubs get their posteriors punted.
By all accounts, the conference was a lackluster affair described by various media outlets as "dull" and "un-newsworthy." Is that a word?
Fortunately, we at Pop Culture America have managed (at considerable expense) to obtain a copy of a transcript of an alternate universe Tiger Woods conducting a similar press conference just a few dimensions over from our own. You judge which conference rings truer ...
Good afternoon everyone. My name is Tiger Woods. Perhaps you've heard of me. I play golf.
Recently I have been the subject of a great deal of media interest and speculation. Much of this interest and speculation has centered on my personal life. Some might argue that such interest and speculation is a symptom of an increasingly lurid, unimaginative, dull-witted, ovine, and just flat out lazy press corps content to ladle steaming soupy bowls full of nourishmentless gruel to a desensitized, zombified populace and falsely call it "news."
Not me. I applaud your continued busybodying, your ceaseless devotion to the most inconsequential minutiae. And I have come here today to reward you for your diligence with full access and full disclosure. Get your digital recording devices and analog pencils ready.
I like banging cocktail waitresses.
I mean I really, really like banging cocktail waitresses. I mean I wish I was banging a cocktail waitress right now. In fact ...
Saffron! Come on out here Saffron honey. Everyone, this is Saffron. I met her about ... what was it honey, about 35 minutes ago? I met Saffron about 35 minutes ago in the VIP lounge of this very hotel and right after this press conference, I'm going to buy Saffron a nice meal, maybe pick up some cheap jewelry for her at the hotel gift shop, then we're going back to my room where I will spend the better part of the ensuing week banging her and whichever of her cocktail waitress friends happen to stop by.
Thanks Saff. I'll just be a few more minutes.
You see, that's what it's all about. Everything else is just a means to one end. All the golf, the endorsements, the celebrity, the money, none of them are goals in themselves. But put them all together and I'm Tiger Woods and being Tiger Woods means that I can bang any cocktail waitress I want. And that makes everything worthwhile.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Tiger, you're a family man. What about your family?"
Well folks, I would never under any circumstances say that posing as a family man was just a part of a marketing strategy designed to keep the cash flowing in, to keep the endorsement deals plump, to present to the world -- with the complicity of all the media types in this very room -- an image of domesticity that sells to the unwashed masses. No sir. I would not say any of that. That would be cynical.
I will say that my family understands that we daddies need our hobbies. Or at least, they will understand once the details of a few lucrative settlements are ironed out.
And that brings me to the heart of today's announcement: I am not sorry. Not in the slightest. I've worked very hard, ever since I was a little kid, to be the best in the world at swatting a little dimply white ball with an oddly shaped stick. And why? Because swatting little dimply white balls with oddly shaped sticks is somehow rewarding in and of itself?
Good heavens no.
It's because I knew at a very young age that this was a way to achieve my true goal. And my true goal was to position myself in this world in such a manner that I knew I could bang any cocktail waitress I happened across.
There is nothing in this to apologize for. There is certainly no reason to go to rehab. Banging cocktail waitresses is awesome. I really, really like banging cocktail waitresses. I mean ...
Forgive me. I appear to be repeating myself. I'm afraid I'm quite enthusiastic on this topic.
Now if you'll excuse me, Saffron is waiting.
You're next news cycle is scheduled to commence in ... 5 ... 4... 3... 2... 1...